Crazy. Coming back here is crazy.
The only thing that has changed is that I feel fucking ancient whereas before I just felt old. It is a fact that now everytime I express myself I feel like I'm complaining. So I'm not anywhere and it doesn't feel better.
I spent years wandering around universities and having five minute friendships with people I couldn't connect with. I fell in love, I thought it was safe, and then it happened. Shocking...what a fucking target I've always been. I don't remember much about the next several years and since I've been back with the living, trying to build myself up again in the shape of a normal human has been difficult. I'm the shadow of a person. There is nothing that is mine and I haven't added or given anything to society.
Let me tell you something: make sure you get to a pandemic having something to live for.
It is strange how this place feels like home when I attempt to share myself. It is similar to the effect Livejournal has but that place is compromised for me and I don't feel as free to do this, which is complain. Is it not?
The pain never left, that's what I'm trying to say. And it has grown lumps and leaves and toothy creatures are living in it. And the comfort of wandering the lonely halls and driving around smoking deaths is gone. And the capacity for love, which I know was healthy enough once, remains on pause. I don't talk to anybody. And yet, the person I'm supposed to be, the one that could have been, it's somewhere. Sometimes I believe I can hear her whispering for change, demanding for me to give up now or else. She is somewhere and she is hurt. Sometimes I imagine her doing exactly what she wants and I have to cry. Pressure in the chest, the sign of the evening. She wants to travel, she whispers. She wants to talk to people, ask them about themselves. She wants to care. She wants to say yes and not be afraid. She sees the freedom of others and demands it.
I once was everything I needed to be.
I haven't written this much in years. I might come back again. It feels strangely like coming home.