I could write about pain and fear. I know about it very well. I have other places to talk about the sun and the rain, about love and joy, fun and mistery. I really feel that this is the only save place to write about the pain, the cancer within myself.
I have been writing here for three years i think. It can be more easily. Or less. I don`t know and i don`t care. I don`t know who`s reading this anymore. I don`t know if someone is tired of me and my complains. I`m sorry. Skip this entry if you want. You don`t need to hear about my pain. And it won`t help you either.
I think i`m in love. But. maybe i`m not and all i really want from this boy is something to fill my heart with. A cold heart. I can`t be more lonely. I can`t feel emptier. I can`t hate myself more.
Right now i`m home alone. And that`s all. I filled my stomach with food that won`t help at all. I couldn`t fill my heart.
I don`t really know why my family won`t help me. It`s obvious that i can`t help myself anymore.
I want to make this clear. I don`t want attention. I`m not a teenager anymore. I know what i`m talking about. I know what it`s right and what it`s wrong. I know what i do and think all the time.
I use this places just to fill my empty hours,you know. And i will probably never be a writter. I won`t have any chance.
But it could be a perfect moment to end up with everything. I`m alone. And i will be like this for hours.
The question is. What am i waiting for? Do i really think there is hope for me out there? Do i really deserve to be alive?
I just want to end up with this pain. I want to survive. Really.